“Concern is the other of affection. Love is the absence of worry. No matter you do out of worry will create extra worry. No matter you do out of affection will create extra love.” ~Osho
I didn’t notice I used to be pushed by worry for many of my life.
I believed I used to be making selections from love by being good, accountable, type, and profitable. Wanting again, I see how a lot of my life was organized round preserving myself secure, and that got here from a spot of worry.
From the surface, I appeared profitable, sensible, and simply incredible at grownup life. Within the quiet moments, which I not often allowed, I felt uninteresting, disconnected, and like I used to be watching my life from the surface. I stuffed these voids and pushed away these emotions by doing. I had no concept that worry was within the driver’s seat. Concern spoke loudly and advised me:
Preserve your self small.
Watch out about talking up.
Attempt to be nearly as good as others.
You’re not sensible or adequate and must work more durable and do extra.
Love needs to be earned by proving your self.
And since I didn’t comprehend it was worry, I listened. I believed these messages had been the reality. I didn’t notice that I lacked the expansive, open energy of self-love.
The Second I Realized Concern Was Working My Life
I didn’t acknowledge worry till it had utterly consumed me.
In March 2020, I sat on my mattress, crying, shrouded within the disgrace of failure. My husband and younger children had been on the opposite aspect of the door, and I used to be scared. I didn’t need to face them and be house with them by way of the pandemic lockdown,with no faculty or work as respite.
I feared that I might fail them, and that I couldn’t maintain it collectively to be the calm, loving mother and spouse they wanted.Principally, I used to be frightened of how with the ability to deal with it. My alone time, as a lot as I used to be disconnected from myself and stuffed any quiet with noise and distraction, was after I recharged.
I had spent a lot of my life striving, pushing, proving, and performing, determined to be adequate.
However regardless of how arduous I labored or how a lot I achieved, it by no means felt like sufficient.
That day, as I sat there, exhausted and damaged, a thought rose inside me:
“There needs to be one other manner. I can not go on like this.”
After which, by way of the heaviness, I heard a quiet voice:
“The work is inside you.”
That was the second every little thing began to alter. I pulled that internal thread, and for the primary time, I slowed down sufficient to really feel.
I let myself be nonetheless. I let myself sit with feelings I had spent a lifetime avoiding. Disappointment, failure, disgrace, guilt, and resentment all rose to the floor. And as I unraveled, my coronary heart began to open, and I spotted that I had been dwelling in a state of worry.
I had spent years considering my manner by way of worry, attempting to regulate it with logic. However actual understanding—actual change—got here after I began listening to my physique and its quiet whispers.
Concern vs. Love
As soon as I discovered the right way to join with my physique, I seen:
Concern is loud and demanding, whereas love is quiet and calm.Concern creates inside strain: “Hurry! Transfer! You’re late!”Love is affected person: “Take your time. The proper solutions are inside you.”
Concern feels tight, restricted, and on edge, whereas love feels expansive, open, and relaxed.Concern comes with shallow respiratory, rigidity within the shoulders, and a racing coronary heart.Love brings deep breaths, relaxed muscle tissue, and a way of marvel.
Concern lives within the thoughts, whereas love lives within the physique.Concern spins tales. Love is current.
Concern retains you small, whereas love invitations you to develop.Concern says, “Keep the place it’s secure.”Love says, “Step ahead. You possibly can deal with this.”
My greatest realization got here with understanding that love doesn’t power or strain or disgrace. I lived so a few years feeling like I needed to tread fastidiously and never make a mistake, or else I might be in hassle or be found as a fraud. This stemmed from childhood, the place, because the oldest youngster, I didn’t need to trigger issues for my mother and father. I do know now that was straight out of worry’s playbook.
Shifting from Concern to Love
Concern will all the time be there. It’s a part of being human. It’s not all dangerous. We need to really feel worry when there’s actual hazard. However we don’t need it to be our mindset.
Right here’s what I do now after I really feel worry creeping in:
1. Get out of the thoughts and into the physique.
You possibly can’t suppose your manner out of worry. As a substitute, I:
Shut my eyes.
Take a deep breath, inhaling by way of my nostril and sighing out of my mouth.
Place a hand on my coronary heart or stomach.
Discover the sensations in my physique—tightness, heat, buzzing, stillness.
Ask myself, “What am I frightened of?”
2. Discover the distinction between worry’s voice and love’s voice.
When making a call, I ask:
Does this thought really feel pressing, pressured, or heavy? That’s worry.
Does this thought really feel grounded, spacious, or gentle? That’s love.
3. Transfer by way of worry—don’t push it away.
Concern doesn’t disappear simply because we want it away. As researcher Jill Bolte Taylor says, with any emotion, if we are able to sit in it for sixty to ninety seconds with out attaching a narrative or thought to it, the worry will move. This may be uncomfortable and takes some apply.
As a substitute of avoiding worry, strive saying:“I see you. I do know you’re attempting to maintain me secure. What would you like me to know?”
One morning, after forgetting my son’s backpack in school drop-off, I felt worry within the type of harsh self-criticism. It sat heavy in my intestine. I requested it, “What would you like me to know?” It advised me I used to be a failure. As I dialogued with it, I found that beneath the anger and strain was exhaustion—and part of me that wanted relaxation and reassurance.
4. Make small selections from love.
We don’t must make large leaps. Even small shifts—selecting self-compassion over self-criticism, presence over anxiousness, reality over avoidance—start to rewire our nervous system.
Selecting Love, One Breath at a Time
I spent years letting worry run my life with out realizing it.
I believed I needed to suppose my manner by way of every little thing. However the second I dropped into my physique, issues modified. I’m extra current, compassionate, curious, appreciative, and embodied.
Now, when worry arises, I not attempt to silence it. I don’t combat it. I don’t disgrace myself for feeling it.
As a substitute, I breathe. I pay attention. I discover the way it feels. After which I ask myself:
“Is that this worry talking? Or is that this love?”
And every time doable, I select love.
About Rebecca Fellenbaum
Rebecca Fellenbaum is a licensed life coach, intuitive information, author, and entrepreneur. She helps girls who’ve “made it” on the surface really feel nice about themselves on the within to allow them to discover pleasure of their lives, children, and households. Get her free information: Slowing Down: 9 Steps to Reside With Intention to start out which means it while you say you’re doing nice. Discover her at rebeccafellenbaum.com.
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